I feel you brother – Empathy doesn't need to be a mystery.

Empathy, I think, is one of those things that is easy to define and hard to employ. You can pretty easily find a consensus on what the word means – I’ll even save you the trouble and Google it…

It’s the ability to make a connection to a feeling someone else is having about a situation, and being able to experience that same feeling yourself. It’s hearing about a sick child at home, and feeling a little worried, scared, and sad yourself. It’s hearing about a won lottery ticket, and feeling excitement yourself. As with anything worth doing – it can be harder to do than it sounds. It IS however, a critical skill to employ if you are truly interested in understanding what someone is trying to communicate to you.

Forbes recently published a short article outlining some of the positive business outcomes when comparing companies whose employees reported that their leaders were empathetic vs those who didn’t.

Innovation. When people reported their leaders were empathetic, they were more likely to report they were able to be innovative—61% of employees compared to only 13% of employees with less empathetic leaders.

Engagement. 76% of people who experienced empathy from their leaders reported they were engaged compared with only 32% who experienced less empathy.

Retention. 57% of white women and 62% of women of color said they were unlikely to think of leaving their companies when they felt their life circumstances were respected and valued by their companies. However, when they didn’t feel that level of value or respect for their life circumstances, only 14% and 30% of white women and women of color respectively said they were unlikely to consider leaving.

Inclusivity. 50% of people with empathetic leaders reported their workplace was inclusive, compared with only 17% of those with less empathetic leadership.

Work-Life. When people felt their leaders were more empathetic, 86% reported they are able to navigate the demands of their work and life—successfully juggling their personal, family and work obligations. This is compared with 60% of those who perceived less empathy.

In addition to better business performance, Steve Payne –vice chair of consulting for EY Americas states:

[Empathy] has tangible benefits for everyone: Your employees, clients, and organization as a whole.

A sense of purpose: Employees who feel valued and supported holistically become connected to a greater purpose, and are more willing to challenge the status quo in creative ways.

Higher-quality work: Employees are also empowered to show up as their best selves and do their best work, and are more likely to help support those around them to do the same.

A happier workforce: Empowered workers are engaged, meaning you won’t have to replenish a large portion of your workforce every year, saving on recruitment fees and time on training.

Enhanced customer synergy: By putting yourself in your customer’s shoes, you understand what keeps them up at night and gets them out of bed in the morning, which leads to authentic conversations about how to solve their biggest challenges.

So what does it take to have empathy with the people you are interacting with?

Before we dive into that – let’s get some common misconceptions out of the way first.

Misconception #1 – Empathy is sympathy.

Putting it quite simply – empathy is feeling with someone, from their perspective. Sympathy is
understanding someone’s feelings but from your own perspective. Two very different things. Empathy drives connections between two people because it comes from a shared feeling. Sympathy pushes people more apart because it comes from a place of judgement. Brene’ Brown has a short video that does a really nice job of describing the difference between empathy and sympathy.

Misconception #2 – Empathizing with someone means you agree with them.

Empathy is recognizing and being able to feel what the other person is feeling about a situation. It does not mean that you agree with what that person thinks or feels about the situation, rather it means that you understand and recognize what the person is feeling. Think about the phrase “I can see how that situation would be incredibly frustrating.” Nothing about that phrase says you agree with the fact that it IS upsetting. Instead it acknowledges to the listener that you understand that the situation is creating feelings of frustration for the person you’re speaking with. You don’t have to agree to empathize.

Misconception #3 – You have to have a similar experience to empathize with someone.

You literally do not need to have experienced the exact situation the person you’re interacting with has had to empathize with them. In fact, some research has shown that (for a number of reasons) previously being in the exact same situation as someone else actually can impede your ability to empathize with that person. (An interesting topic for another time) Remember this is about how the other person is feeling in the situation, not how you would be.

Misconception #4 – Empathy means helping them solve a problem.

This one couldn’t be farther from the truth. Empathy is making a connection between what the person you’re interacting with is feeling about a situation, and what you feel about that situation. It’s hearing about a situation, and experiencing the same type of emotion that person is having. The second you start to offer advice, look for a silver lining or try to fix something, you’ve slipped out of empathetic and into something else.

Ok so now that we know what it’s not, how can you build and improve your empathy skills?

Actively listen more than you speak.

If you’ve been following along, you’ll notice a theme here. Not long ago I wrote about active listening. Dig in and be in the moment. Observe their body language. Focus on what they are saying, but also how they are saying it. Give them the chance to get out what they need to get out (sometimes you’ll need to help by using some of the other tips.)

Express your perspective.

Think about what emotions you might experience in the situation they described. The key here is to be genuine. Try to imagine yourself in the exact same situation, the moment it is happening. Don’t think about what you would DO… think about what you would feel. Share those feelings. Odds are, what you’re feeling in that moment will mirror what they were / are feeling as well. For example:

“That must feel absolutely awful,”
“I wouldn’t know what to do, or”
“It’s hard for me to hear what you just said because the whole situation just makes me feel so angry.”

Don’t make assumptions.

It’s easy to rush to assumptions, and that can be an empathy killer! If you make an assumption and you’re wrong, the result could be the connection you try to make feels forced and unnatural. This often leaves the other person thinking something like, “She just doesn’t understand my situation,” or, “He’s not someone I should turn to in the future because he doesn’t listen.” Instead:

Take the time to truly understand the situation.
Listen to what the other person is articulating and how they are articulating it.
Ask open-ended questions. Get a good understanding of the situation and what led up to it. Often times, the situations that the person is talking about is “the straw that broke the camel’s back”, and there is much more that just the single event.

Don’t try and empathize before you truly understand the situation.

Be vulnerable.

While it’s much easier to stay in the “safe zone” – true empathy requires vulnerability.
Berne’ Brown says that vulnerability actually helps us connect with others, because it communicates that we’re human; complete with our own weaknesses, hurts, and fears. This creates a feeling of “sameness” that gives the other person something to connect to. It’s not easy to do in our professional world, but the payoff can be spectacular.

Listen carefully to the other person. then try to think of a time you were in a similar situation. For example: You may have encountered a problem with a project falling apart due to situations beyond your control.
Think about what you felt in that situation. Maybe you felt frustration, helplessness, apprehension and anxiety.
Express those feelings to the other person, then share what you learned through the process.

Using this technique and being vulnerable can create psychological safety and a connection between yourself and the other person. It’s an invitation for them to continue to share.

Use your imagination.

It’s unrealistic to expect that you’ve been in the exact same situation as another person. That’s where your imagination comes into play. Think about (visualize) what it was like to be that person in that experience.

What does it look, sound, smell, feel like?
What are you feeling?
Is your heart racing?
Are you palms sweating?
How would your voice sound?

You’re not going to be able to relate to every single experience from every single person you encounter. But to truly empathize, you need some form of connection and understanding, and your imagination is a great tool to get you there.

Give yourself some grace.

No one is perfect, not even you! 😉 Give yourself a little grace. Being genuinely empathetic takes time, patience and practice. It means putting considerable energy into being in the conversation. It means opening yourself up to feeling things that may be uncomfortable. It means being vulnerable and sharing parts of you that may feel hard to do. It’s an investment in the other person. That’s why it’s so powerful. That’s also why it’s really, really hard to fake. (Spoiler alert, if you think you’re good at faking empathy… you’re not! We can tell, and it makes us not really want to share things with you.)

That said, making the investment in being truly, genuinely empathetic goes a long way in helping people to be the best that they can be, and that’s really what servant leadership is about.

We all win together.